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Sunday, 14 April 2019

Feeling Used by a Guy? How to Read the Signs & Do the Right Thing

If you’re feeling used by a guy, it is time to do something about it. We cannot stand around and let ourselves be used. Let’s talk.
As someone who was feeling used by a guy I dated for more than four years, I am here to prevent you from doing what I did. The funny thing is that before you realize it, you have already gotten used to it.
When a guy is using you, he is not always so obvious about it. It is subtle. At first, you feel like you are just doing what you should be doing for someone you care about. Even when you start to be taken for granted and the relationship is unbalanced, you tell yourself to treat him how you want to be treated.
So, you continue to let him use you. And it could be for a handful of different things: sex, work, errands, etc.
But, the first step to stop feeling used by a guy is to spot it when it happens.
When I was feeling used by a guy
Four years is a long time to be feeling used by a guy. And from my mistakes, I can hopefully guide you in the right direction. What did I overlook?
The relationship started out well. It seemed like he appreciated me going out of my way for him. He said nice things and thanked me. But after this became the norm for us, it was expected. I drove him to school every day, even if it made me late. I did his homework for him. We never spent time together unless something sexual was happening. But I didn’t see any of that at the time.
I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to do for the guy I loved. I felt like a doting girlfriend, not a fool. But I was a fool. I didn’t see through his manipulation.
He would guilt me into doing his homework for him by saying he couldn’t spend time with me if he had to do it himself. Then, he would get mad at me if I was sick and couldn’t drive him places. Small things would happen that made me realize he was using me.
One time I drove to his house and he didn’t come out. I called, knocked on the door, and called again. His mom ended up telling me he wasn’t going to school that day. I was late because he didn’t have the decency to tell me I shouldn’t pick him up.
Later that day, instead of apologizing, he was angry at me for going to the door and talking to his mom. That was when the flood gates opened. I saw all the behaviors I was doing as he used me. I was feeling used by a guy and didn’t know how to break out of this pattern I was in. And I didn’t want to upset him or hope for too much to change. But, when you are feeling used by a guy, things have to change.
How to stop feeling used by a guy
First off, it is not just about feeling used by a guy. You are actually being used by a guy. You cannot just stop feeling that way,
stop actually being used by a guy.
But, how?

#1 Ask for more.
Sure, some guys just do not see how awful they are being. They got used to you being a saint and just expect it now. To give him the benefit of the doubt, just once, ask him to do more for you.
Ask him to take you out, to help you with a project, anything that would make him see all you do for him. Not only will the relationship balance out a bit, but you will get more of what you deserve.

#2 Say no. Out of everything I can recommend to you, this is one of the most difficult and the most rewarding. Stop doing the things that make you feel used. It is hard to feel like you are turning your back on someone that depends on you. And depending on his nature the reaction can be brutal.
Whether he asks you to do something and you say no or you just don’t do something he expects of you, he may react badly. He could be angry, furious even, or feel betrayed. This is a guy that has become accustomed to using you and now you are taking a stand. He won’t like not getting his way.
But stand your ground. Do not make excuses either. Do not say you’re too busy, tell the truth. After struggling for a long while I finally told my ex that our relationship only existed when it was convenient for him. He would expect me to cancel plans for him. He only spent time with me on his terms.

#3 Put your feelings first. In a relationship you feel like you should put your partner first, but, if he is using you he is not your partner, he is your boss. You do not have to please him all the time. Relationships are give and take. If you always give and he always takes, that is not a relationship, at least not a healthy one.
So put yourself first. Do what is right for you, not for him. Take care of what you need. I used to do my ex’s homework first and mine once I was exhausted and nodding off. Instead, I focused on my work. I relaxed. And I stopped caring if he said he needed me. He didn’t, but I did.

#4 Make plans.
Keeping yourself busy is one of the best ways to stop feeling used by a guy. And it will stop you from being used by him too. If you are busy with other stuff, how is he going to use you? Go out. Focus on work. Redesign your bedroom. Do anything you can to stay busy.
Avoid staring at your phone. The busier you are, the less you will think about him. This not only helps you to stop feeling used by a guy but it rebuilds your independence. It lets you appreciate yourself and what you have to offer to the world, beyond this guy.
#5 Prioritize your friends. One of the most common ways we can feel used by a guy is when they guilt us into canceling our plans for them. Often, they only spend time with us if they have nothing better to do, but we are forced to wait around to hear from them.
Somehow when we are feeling used by a guy we fall into the trap of putting him before our friends. Not only is that unhealthy, but our friends are who are always there, guy or not. So make plans and do not cancel them the second he calls. Prioritize the people that prioritize you.
#6 Confront him. If you cannot seem to part with the guy, talk to him. Calmly let him know how you feel and how he can help remedy it. Let him know you are putting all the effort in and he is using you.
I cannot promise this will go over well or that it will change his behavior, but it is worth a try. Some guys are decent and will want to make you feel as appreciated as possible.

#7 Give an ultimatum. Another hard way to stop feeling used by a guy, but it is sometimes necessary. If you love this guy, it is nearly impossible to end things, even if you are being treated badly. You think love can conquer all and that one day he will learn.
But, you have to put you first. This is your life, not his. And it is better to be respected on your own than used with him. Would you rather be happy alone or unhappy with him? Tell him that if his behavior doesn’t change you can’t do it anymore. Then, stick to it. Empty promises will only make things worse. You can only take the ultimatum route if you plan on living up to it.

Feeling used by a guy sucks. You feel like a fool, and you feel worthless. And it is hard to break that cycle. But, if I did it, so can you.

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